Chasing the Wind

“It is all meaningless, like chasing the wind.” Ecclesiastes 1:14

I feel this. More and more these days. After years of being a Christian, I’ve always had a relationship with God as far back as I can remember. But lately, it feels like nothing matters.

It’s like a switch someone came by and flicked off in my heart. And suddenly I’m in a daze. Numb.

Pour your heart out in front of me and I’ll barely flinch. Say something shocking and I might shrug. I don’t care. What does it matter anyway?

One hurricane sweeps in and demolishes a town. People suffer. How can I even allow myself to feel? Only days later, another wrecks another town. Look for the good. Find the silver lining. Ok, I do. I see it…but the hurt still cries out, and yet another layer coats my heart making me the callused person I never intended to be.

My feelings linger on my sleeve and my emotions show on my face, but now my expression really says nothing at all. Or maybe it tells a story of a life lived and disasters striking. Emptiness. My emotions are banging on the walls to escape but I’ll keep them trapped. For the time being anyway. Another layer grows like eerie vines crawling up a wall.

Don’t worry, I know the tricks—blast worship music or attend a lively church service to rev up my heart, but honestly…I don’t want it. I don’t want the emotion or excitement. I only want the truth.

Don’t make it sound better than it is or dim the lights or put it to some nice piano music. I’m not in the mood for a pep talk.

I’m learning a hard heart allows us to step outside ourselves. You stay right there, while I apathetically watch life happen to you. I let myself do things I never thought I’d do. Say things I might’ve never said. I’m barely me.

This isn’t doubt. It’s a hard look at reality and then the forcing of eyelids to close at the thought: “The greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only increases sorrow.” Ecclesiastes 1:18