Maybe

June 1. Another month.

Maybe I’ll do a recap thing. Maybe I’ll share what I’ve learned every few weeks. But can anything really be learned in just one month?

Maybe.

Maybe. Someone recently told me I say that word a lot. Maybe, I replied. So maybe this May I’ve learned I like to live in a place of indecision. It feels less risky.

I learned that time heals nothing at all. Like the clock on the wall, it’s a circle, moving me around. Sometimes I’m distracted on the ride, and other times I’m painfully aware of the ticking that plays to the stillness of my journey. I wish time took me somewhere. I’ve learned it doesn’t.

I’ve learned that stretching hurts. Mentally. Sometimes, some people have one little skill. I like to think I have a shred of that (maybe). Writing has never felt tricky to me. Until this past month. I finished a book. It was thrilling for me. I got lost. I smiled. I cried. The end. Book done. Until I was asked to make a tiny change. Just weave in a little something. And for the first time, I felt the uphill climb of words. I rolled my eyes and whined…a lot. My book was good, right? But fine, I followed the request and complained over the keyboard as I added in that extra something. The pain of stretching a skill. And in the end, flexibility came, and I loved it. I learned stretching hurts in that good kind of way.

I learned that talking on a plane is annoying yet satisfying. I can’t help myself. I do it. And then I learned that my fingers have a career. “I thought you were a hand model,” the stranger next to me said. So talking on a plane brings funny compliments that my red nails gladly accepted.

I learned that getting older can feel ok. If you’re near the water with chocolate. Sand, sunset, and a piece of gratitude—turning another year older was actually enjoyable (ask me again in a few months, though).

I learned that maybe I can go a little numb inside—a flashy feature I never thought the model of me came equipped with. But I had emotions that flickered on and then off, and wow…it kind of came in handy.

I learned that doing something without complaining takes intentionality.

That having a best friend is rare.

Not all weirds are created equal (some are bad. Really bad).

When one door closes, another doesn’t always open. Sometimes you’re left standing in the hallway, not knowing what to do with your hands.

To be known feels pretty good.

So, May brought some learnings. I don’t like to call them lessons, because comparing life to lessons and seasons really annoys me.

Learnings. Maybe.

Onto the next class.